My nurse told me, said Viscount Scater, that a true king could pull a sword from a stone.

Hah, yes, and cure dandruff, said Lord Rust.That's just a legend. That's not real. Anyway, I've always been a bit puzzled about that story. What's so hard about pulling a sword out of stone? The real work's already been done. You ought to make yourself useful and find the man who put the sword in the stone in first place eh?

The Patrician of Ankh-Morpork sat back on his austere chair with sudden bright smile of a very busy person at the end of a crowded day who's suddenly found in his schedule a reminder saying: 7^.00-7^.05, Be Cheerfull and Relaxed and People Person.

Well, of course I was wery saddened to receive your leeter, captain...

Yes, sir said Vimes, still wooden as a furniture warehouse.

Please sit down, captain

Yes, sir Vimes remained standing. It was a matter of pride.

But of course I quite understand. The Ramkin country estates are veeery extensive, I believe. I'm sure Lady Ramkin wil appreciate your strong right hand.

Sir? Captain Vimes, while in presence of the ruler of the city concentrated his gaze on a point one foot above and six inches to the left of the man's head.

And of course you will be quite a rich man, captain

Yes, sir.

It dawned on Patrician that he was working on both ends of this conversation.

Vimes paused. There's something in the air of this city, he thought. If the Creator had said, Let there be light in Ankh-Morpork, he'd have got no further because of all the people saying What colour?

Oh, he said. The Royal Mail

The Post Office, corrected Vimes. My granddad said that once you could post a letter and it'd be delivered within a month, without fail. You didn't have to give it to a passing dwarf and hope the little bugger wouldn't eat it before ...

His voice trailed off.

Uh. Sorry. No offence meant.

None taken, said Carrot cheerfully.

It's not that I've got something against dwarfs. I've always said you'd have to look very hard before you'd find a, a better bunch of highly skilled, law-abidding, hard-working --

--little buggers?

Yes. no!

Murder was in fact a fairly uncommon event in Ankh-Morpork, but there were a lot of suicides. Walking in the night-time allayways of The Shades was a suicide. Asking for a short in a dwarf bar was a suicide. Saying Got rocks in your head? to a troll was a suicide. You could commit suicide very easily, if you weren't carefull.

Big Fido ... he's a friend o' mine.

Biting a man's arm for patting you doesn't sound very friendly.

Yeah? Last man who tried to pat Big Fido, they only ever found his belt buckle.

Yes?

And that was in a tree.

This is a sewer, he said.

What that?

It's like ... well, where do trolls dump their ... rubbish? said Cuddy.

In street, said Detritus. Hygienic.

This is ... an underground street just for ... well, for crap, said Cuddy. I've never knew Ankh-Morpork had them.

Maybe Ankh-Morpork didn't know Ankh-Morpork had them, said Detritus.

Right. You're right. This palce is old. We're in the bowels of the earth.

In Ankh-Morpork even shit have a street for itself, said Detritus, awe and woner in his voice. Truly, this is a land of opportunity.

Everyone become aware of rattling noise. Nobby was spinning the morningstar round and round on the one of its chain, except that because spiky ball was a wery heavy spiky ball, and because difference between Nobby and dwarf was species rather then height, it was a case of both of them orbiting around each other. If he let go, it was an even chance that the target would be hit by a spiky balll or an unexploded Corporal Nobbs. Neith prospect pleased.

Put it down Nobby, hissed Colon, I don't think they're going to make trouble ...

I can't let go, Fred!

Carrot sucked his knuckles.

Do you think that comes under heading of ''minimum necessary force'', sergeant? he asked. He appeared to genuinely worried.

Fred! Fred! What'll I do?

Nobby was a terrified blur. When you are swinging a spiky ball on a chain, the only realistic option is to keep mooving. Standing still is an interesting but brief demonstration of a spiral in action.

Vimes strolled down there early, because there's nothing more useless in the world than a groom just before the wedding.